*An imitation of “Depression Is Funny Like That” by Reagan Myers and “Scars/To the New Boyfriend” by Rudy Francisco.

One

This week, I sat inside a Whole Foods and dissociated in front of the frozen goods because I didn’t have the energy to try to focus…

which sounds pretty pathetic, but so does my life when I think about it.

Haha! Jokes on me!

I thought I was more than just another lifeless body and then I was run over with a grocery cart or

haha! Jokes on me!

I woke up not wanting to die for the first time in a long time, but sike!

I hadn’t fully woken up yet.

Depression is funny like that.

Two

Also this week, I fell asleep next to a new face and woke up with a new headache.

The adrenaline of making bad decisions coursed through my bloodstream.

It scares me how invisible I feel, like not even God can touch me.

Three

Exorcise me.

Mandate prayers composed of sacred phrases like,

“I love you even when you don’t love yourself” or,

“I won’t abandon you when you’re going through a hard time”

over my compulsive body until my illness is expelled.

I want to vomit out all of the maladaptive thoughts inside of me until

I am alone again.

Four

I let my illness tear me apart with claws like twisted fairytale branches.

If I can’t please the people that I love,

I might as well please the thing consuming me.

Five

Every 11:11, birthday candle, and shooting star I wish for you to reappear, but

Six

every year you hate me more.

Seven

When my illness takes my hand and leads me with a blindfold covering my eyes,

I do not stumble along the way.

When I feel water to my knees,

I kneel until I am covered by waves.

I let the current take any part of me it wants

hoping the recklessness will be taken away.

Eight

Do you want to know how I got these scars?

I branded “CAUTION” across my forehead and

“DANGEROUS” down my arms.

Nine

If I could, I would stop time for just a moment.

I want a single moment where I don’t hurt anything.

I have a long list of names followed by apologies that

time prohibits me from giving.

My mania says,

“Fuck them for not understanding”

while my depression just cries.

Another person gone is just another abandonment in my eyes.

Ten

My mania is a broken rollercoaster keeping me hostage on the ride while my depression is a precarious harness holding me intact.

Sometimes, I wonder which one will kill me.

Ten

I am worried.

Ten

I am a junkie stuck in a twilight zone.

I am high going 80 in a 30 and

low when I find myself upside down on the side of the road.

“How am I not dead yet?” plays on repeat in my head.

I am stuck in a cycle of car crashes.

Ten

When you ask me how I’m doing,

you might as well as how bad it is on a scale of one to ten.

I’d raise two hands and lift ten fingers every time.

Featured art: Unknown